You Want Me To Do What??

I am a runner. Not like a marathon runner or anything remotely cool like that. I’m a life runner. I run from things as soon as they get hot! I ran away from home when I was 18 to follow the Grateful Dead and Phish because I was mad. I ran to NYC to find freedom for myself. I ran away from people when they wanted to talk about what was going on. I ran from the uncomfortable. I ran away from myself. I sprinted from my feelings. I ran to Hawaii to find myself. 

It has been a series of crappy 5Ks that I barely finished my entire life. 

Have you ever watched the end of a big race? People celebrate in a variety of forms - crying, laughing, hugging, cheering, collapsing. It is an assortment of different emotions. I finally stopped running when I got to Hawaii. It’s not like I could go too far on a small island in the middle of nowhere. I was basically faceplanting on death’s door with a beautiful tropical backdrop. It was the best place to stop running, unpack, then rest. That was my version of celebrating after finishing a race that seemed as if it would never end.

Prior to ending this long race as I was trekking the globe, high on coffee, running on cortisol, and having a pretty “good” time. I barely had a clue about who I truly was. I knew who I kind of was. Living in NYC for my 20s and 30s taught me about the variety of life. I developed a strong opinion on just about anything. I opened my mind to all the different types of things. Traveling the world helped too. But deep down I never knew ME. I knew of me, but when it got to the conversation about the true self that was still a bit of a mystery. After collapsing in Hawaii it was time for me to take a minute and sit down and finally get to know myself.

Now that wasn’t as easy-breezy as it sounds. Oh cute you moved to Hawaii aren’t you lucky. Well yes, I actually am but have you ever moved to the middle of nowhere with nothing familiar? Single, Chubby, Sad, and Depressed. I had to learn to be exactly where I was at that exact moment.

Somehow through the grace of God, the Pacific Ocean, and tons of mental health work, I entered into the acceptance phase. Whether I liked it or not I was going to begin to learn how to accept every part of myself. The unruly emotions that I thought were chasing me were now going to live with me in my tropical incubator.

This word, acceptance, packs one heck of a punch. A fun part of my journey has been learning words again. Getting reacquainted with the English language so I could change my own rhetoric. Recently I have been looking up words in the dictionary. It helps me understand things a bit better. Develop a new opinion on the word.

So Acceptance: 

The act of taking or receiving something offered. Favorable reception; approval; favor. The act of assenting or believing

I’ll just leave that there for a second. Soak it in. I had to let it soak in for myself too! 

The idea that I could speak differently and understand words was it’s own kind of awakening. We learn all these things as kids right. Reading, Writing, Counting etc but do we really understand the depth of our own language. This time has become a change for me to re-learn so many things that I thought I understood. I am now re-establishing my opinion on my own life in a more positive way. It has taught me how to learn to love myself. To honor the inner sweetheart vs the inner mean girl. 

So the universe is offering me a chance to change my life. IF I accept. If I accept everything, right here, right now,  in the present moment. Trauma and grief and all. And here I was, with  so much doubt if I was even ready to receive that offering. 

I eventually did upon my acceptance, but not without a long wild ride. 

McDonald’s at 406 Ku’ulei Rd, Kailua, HI 96734

I was in one of my usual moods. Extremely emotional and ready to burst. I can’t recall the exact trigger. But I bet you it stemmed from my fear. The further I dissect all of the triggers, the closer I get to the cave of the big beast called fear. 

So here I am, in a McDonald’s parking lot with my dear friend Romey. I am so incredibly grateful for this woman. She is one of my teachers at Sacred Path Healing school and my best friends’ sister. I do call my best friend Mom so this would make her my auntie. Romey is a strong Gemini. She is one of the few people in my life who have really kept is so real to me. Her words and advice usually for me hit the nail right on the head. She is one of my angels in human form, her guidance has been like no other. She got me into SPH. She helped me get my apt in HI. I have so much gratitude and love for her. 

The trigger starts to heat up. It’s rising from the bottom of my toes, swelling in my heart and weighing down my stomach, making its way to the very top of my head. I spill over and I am crying, coughing, releasing all of what I have in the Mcdonald’s parking lot. My heaven-sent Gemini angel, Romey, tells me that I have to just accept everything: good and bad and messy and beautiful. Everything..There is nothing else for me to do but accept. If I can’t change the tides, then I could only ride and hope that either 1) they work in my favor, or 2) I have the capability and strength to handle where it takes me. 

She asks me to start writing an acceptance journal. I look at her with utter confusion, uncertain if I understand the request. You want me to do...what? Write down all of my feelings? Into existence? And say that I...accept? Umm...still not sure I understand what you are saying to me. 

I have been gifted with the gift of desperation many times over, and this was no different. I was willing to do whatever anyone was telling me to do if it meant I would feel better. So on that sunny day in a McDonald's parking lot, I started accepting my feelings. I started writing down my feelings. I accept… I wrote them down in my phone. I got a notebook completely dedicated to accepting my feelings. This simple acted allowed me my own space to articulate what was going on with me. A baseline for things to take to my healers and practitioners on what was going on with me. A chance for me to keep it real with myself. A place for me to run to with my feelings. A way for me for the first time in a long time NOT run from what was going on with me.

“Start praying, begging whatever you believe in to get life back...not the first time where begging was the only option.”

The best part about this, when you get a little traction going, you’re comfortable enough to fianlly accept and go back to re-read what had your panties in a bunch a few months back. It is actually funny. I laughed at some of the stuff on this list because now I have clarity. 

But I can’t help but be paralyzed in those written moments.

Acceptance for the WIN! Even if you don’t feel like anyone cares I do and I am so proud of you for taking this step!