Breaking Up With Burnout

You know those long-drawn-out breakups the ones that linger. Yep. We have all been there. You just can’t seem to kick it. The idea of not having it seems too intense. On the other hand, the idea of continuing is self-destructive on every level. But that day comes, after a bunch of cash to the shirk, a million convos with your besties that you muster up the strength to pull the trigger. You gas yourself up and you finally get it off your chest. Come to terms with the end.

That’s what happened when I decided I could no longer live in my lower vibrational, fear-driven, chronically down mentality. I had been burnt out for years. Part of the issue was that I spent decades avoiding and denying that I had any issues. I hid behind a mask of perfectionism and delusion. One day the mask got ripped off and I was left there raw, vulnerable, and oh so tender to put the pieces back together.

Luckily when that mask got ripped off I was standing in a bathing suit in Hawaii. That softened the blow a bit. At that moment I felt so incredibly unsure of what was going to happen once this armor that I wore for most of my life was dismantled. I was addicted to my stress response. It was as comfortable as that one t-shirt you stole from your ex, but eventually, you need to get rid of the ghosts of lovers and emotions past.

Once I was able to define what I was experiencing it actually saved my life. I had to scorch myself to nothing in order to learn that was not a sustainable way of living. Today I can be grateful for my experience but wow in the middle of that life crisis I felt chronically down. Hopelessly Devoted to the idea that my life would NEVER change.

But it did...

“I BURNT OUT MY OWN FLAME. THERE WAS NOT A PERSON, PLACE, OR THING I COULD EVEN LOOK TO BLAME. I HAD TO TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR CAUSING SO MUCH HARM TO MYSELF. THE REALIZATION THAT ALL OF MY PAIN WAS SELF-INFLICTED WAS ALWAYS WHAT STUNG THE DEEPEST.”

The surf has been up on the North Shore of Oahu for a few months and it has been going hand in hand with what I am feeling during this rowdy, disruptive, and exhausting time. First, there is excitement in the air right. Like oh, the waves are up let me get myself together to prepare for the heavier waves. Or in IRL, there is something to be passionate about, to talk about, to fight for, or work through.

You put on your best bathing suit (the one that stays on) you wax up your north shore winter board, you check the cams, and boom before you know it you are paddling out. There is no place like the ocean in Hawaii. The view from the board is breathtaking. Sometimes it feels like it is the first time I have ever seen such beauty. The water at this time of year feels heavier. It packs a punch when it is coming your way. There is excitement in the power. You catch your first wave and ride through the air exactly how you envisioned. This is what you have been waiting for all year. Fall off the wave paddle back out. Repeat.

Or so you thought.

This time the current has picked up and the swell is starting to rise. Now things are a bit more intense. Just like current events am I right. You paddle for your next wave and you realize at that moment you are totally in the wrong position. Boom, Down, Wipeout. Sucked under, your foot caresses the reef. You have a hard time seeing the light. You can’t seem to find your leash to guide you to above the water. If you just take a few moments to relax your mind the fear won't set it. But the North shore waves are bigger, stronger, and more aggressive. Before you know it the inevitable happens, the fear sets it. All the mindfulness practices, lessons, etc out the door. Stuck in a stress response.

Similar to the current life. Panic. Fear. Anxiety.

You finally make your way to the top, catch your breath, and get to the channel (the place where the wave doesn't break). But you realize you are so exhausted from 2 waves. The thing that brings you the most joy in your life has now scared the crap out of you, felt like death, and has you so worked up you can't even relax.

Hello Burnout.

Putting out my own fire is NOT how I want to live. I had to find a totally new way to exist. Learning how to navigate the twists and turns of moving out of a constant place of motivation loss was and still is challenging. I had to put my strongest foot forward to get out of the negative thought current that had me distracted. Re-establish compassion with myself so I can live by design NOT default.

My life was a series of flames that just would not stay lit. I had to reprogram every cell in my body to tell me I could in fact light back up. There are days when this is no problem at all. The lighter lights and woosh a flame. Then there are the days where it feels like I am standing in a wind tunnel trying to light a match. But no matter what I have to choose to stand in my power. Fight the internal demons of whatever trauma passed that are trying to keep me down. The time is now to start to stand in my own flame.

Breaking up with burnout is about learning how to control the thoughts that told me I was never going to get better. The ones fueling my lower vibrational mentality. Keeping it so real that the things I loved were actually making me feel a type of way. The concept of acceptance and surrender took me a long time to come to terms with. Once I had a grasp of what I was feeling I had to activate my own self-discipline to then begin to meet the challenges of processing such a hefty load of feelings. A prolonged response to stress, trauma, pain, and suffering had my mind, body, and spirit mangled up. I had to slow everything down and rebuild the foundation of me.

Doing everything in my power to find balance and stability to open my heart to the grief attached to this. Yes, deep down I was grieving all of these circumstances that did in fact break my heart. Healing that perfectionism wounding that told me to never feel or that if I wasn’t perfect then I was unloveable. Communicating clearly with myself, the people I loved, and God. Getting back to seeing clearing and landing back in the rhythm of my own intuition. For me, that meant doing something so wild I would wake up in the middle of the Pacific Ocean on an island in the tropics and mend that broken heart of mine. I needed the comfort of the tropics to nurse me back to health.

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if you do something drastic or something small but DO SOMETHING. Take an action on yourself. Make one small tiny move that could potentially have a profound effect on the big picture of your life. No one said this was going to be easy, but I believe in you! There is relief and peace in breaking up with burnout.

Self Love Action:

• Identify where you potentially feel burnt out.

• Think of 3 adjustments you can make to alleviate some stressors in your life. Leading with a mind, body, and spiritual connection is helpful.